Fashionably Fabulous: Book Eleven of The Hot Damned Series Read online

  “Irrelevant. Do you remember your past life?”

  “No.”

  “And yet one more time I call bullshit,” he replied, snapping his fingers and making the paperclip puppy come to life.

  “I don’t,” I insisted, getting annoyed. Was I just going to sit here and listen to the Devil tell me I was full of shit? I had far more important things to do with my time—like save The Kev. “And I don’t want to remember either.”

  “Ah-ha!” Satan yelled, startling me and putting the puppy in his pocket. “And that is the problem, Fairy Queen. The only thing stopping you from success is yourself.”

  “I don’t need a therapist. I thought you were going to give me a fucking plan,” I grumbled.

  “Listen to my words,” Satan said. “If you fight yourself, you can’t be who you are supposed to become. It’s pretty fucking simple. Don’t you think?”

  “Umm… no.”

  With an eye roll that deserved an Academy Award, Satan groaned.

  “Fine. Disguise yourself—all of you Fairies are excellent at that. Go back into Zanthia under false pretenses and find out where The Kev is being held. Do not, under any circumstances—fucked up or otherwise—reveal who you are until you’re ready to assume your responsibilities. And if you have to, bust The Kev out and blow the whole plane right off the map of the Universe.”

  “That seems a little harsh,” I said, squinting at him doubtfully.

  “Why? From what I’ve observed, all the Fairies have done is tried to kill you. And they succeeded last time. Why do you care?”

  “I don’t,” I said and then stopped. “Wait. I don’t even know my kind. I’ve never been there for real. Killing off all Fairies seems wrong.”

  “If you want to discern right from wrong, you have come to the wrong place,” Satan said with a chuckle. “Leading a species sucks. Take it from me. Demons are difficult, to put it mildly. However, I’m the best in the world at what I do. No one can lead like I can. I’m brilliant, occasionally fair, and I’m a seriously good-looking bastard.”

  “You forgot humble.”

  “No, actually I didn’t,” Satan shot back with a grin. “A leader has to want to lead. He or she has to have an ego and desire to run the show. Being in charge is not for weenies.”

  “Did you just say weenies?” I asked, biting back a smile.

  “I did and if you repeat it, I will deny it and make your life more of a living Hell than it is now. Capisce?”

  “Yep,” I said. “What if I get there and like it?” I asked, now totally confused about almost everything except the fact that I was going to save my man.

  “All the better,” Satan said with a shrug. “I fucking love Hell. It’s fantastic.”

  “Kinda hot,” I countered.

  “That’s what air conditioning and scotch on the rocks are for, Fairy Queen.”

  “Okay,” I said, mulling over the advice from the Devil. “I’m gonna go to Zanthia. Get The Kev, and kill anything that gets in my way. Right?”

  “I’d love to tell you yes. The killing part sounds fantastic, but…” Satan let his head fall back on the couch. “It really gives me hives to have to say this, but you need to try to figure out how to make it work there. If the fucking Fairies implode, the balance will be off and then my job becomes tedious. The goddamned Trolls have been eyeing Zanthia for thousands of years and if those fuckers take it, we’ll all be screwed.”

  “Wait. What?” I asked, not expecting any of this.

  “Gemma, how old are you?”

  “Thirty. What does that have to do with anything?” I demanded.

  “Everything,” Satan snapped. “Immortality is long. When you live forever, sometimes you have nothing to live for at all. Let’s just say you destroy your heritage for shits and giggles. How’s that going to work out for you ten thousand years from now?”

  “How the Hell should I know?” I shouted, wanting to blow Satan’s office up again.

  “I’ll tell you,” he said. “It will suck. It will suck tremendously. So you need to grow up — quick. Figure out who wants to kill you and straighten the fuck out of your Fairies or The Kev will be destroyed. You are the one who created the law that keeps Demons out. It’s time for you to figure out why you did that or change it.”

  “Will that be easy?”

  “Hell no,” Satan said. “Pun intended. You’ll be lucky to survive it. However, I have a strange feeling you just might.”

  “Do you know something I don’t know?” I asked, hoping for anything that would give me more faith in myself.

  “Nope. You’d have to talk to my Elle if you want to know the future, but she’s out doing Fate-y things at the moment. However, she did give me a gift for you.”

  “You knew I was coming?” I asked, shocked.

  “Fate knew,” he replied cryptically.

  Removing a gorgeous crystal stone on a thin silver chain from his pocket he handed it to me.

  “What is it?” I asked, taking the necklace into my hand. It was warm and made my entire body tingle in a lovely way.

  “It will protect a half-Fairy half-Demon. You must wear it always. Never let the necklace be removed until there is peace in Zanthia,” Satan advised.

  “This will help The Kev?”

  Satan was quiet for a long moment. I could tell he wanted to say a lot, but I was also quite sure he was only going to say enough. Immortals were the most cryptic pains in the ass I’d ever come across.

  “It’s meant for a girl. This will not help The Kev.”

  “Tiara?” I asked, hopefully. It would be fanfreakintastic if I could bring her to Zanthia with me.

  “No. Not Tiara,” Satan replied and then closed his eyes. “Fucking rules,” he muttered. “I can’t tell you or I’ll lose panty privileges with Elle. Not to mention I’ll fuck up the natural order of shit.”

  “A hint then?” I bargained and then winced at what I was about to suggest. “What if I call God an ass for you?”

  “You would do that?” Satan asked with delight.

  “Umm… yes, but after it sinks in, I get to tell God I was totally joking. Cool?”

  Satan didn’t even have to think. “Deal!”

  “My hint?” I pressed.

  “The initials of the one it will save are BJ.”

  “Like blow job?” I asked, getting pissed. “If you’re fucking with me, I’ll tell your mom. Mother Nature will kick your ass since I’m not technically allowed to.”

  “You are fabulously evil. Are you sure you’re not a little bit Demon?” the Devil asked with a laugh.

  “I’m all Fairy,” I said with conviction. “So the initials are truly BJ?”

  “They are. And you will love her as much as she will love you.”

  “She’s in Zanthia?”

  Satan smiled. “She will be as soon as you are.”

  “Satan?”

  “Yes?”

  “Thank you.”

  He glanced around to make sure no one else was in the office or within earshot. “You’re welcome, Fairy Queen. I wish you the best. However, I will deny that I said that if you repeat it. And remember, you can control your power and you happen to have a Hell of a lot of it. You simply need a good reason to do so. Find your reason and you will finally be Queen.”

  I nodded to the Dark Prince and clapped my hands. In a blast of silver, gold and pink I left Hell.

  I was on my way to Zanthia, but I had to make a quick pit stop.

  I needed a little help from my friends.

  And some from the banes of my existence.

  Life was about to get very interesting.

  Chapter Seven

  “Duuuuude,” Astrid said as she gave me a thumbs up in appreciation. “That is one rockin’ look.”

  “Dang it. You can tell it’s me?” I asked, deflated.

  I looked nothing like myself. It had taken me over an hour to come up with something that I thought would work. My blonde hair was now red. My silver eyes were green. My
bra size had decreased and I was now five foot five—four inches shorter than my normal five foot nine. Did I need a mustache? Shit.

  “Gemma, I know you in my soul. I would recognize you if you were a fish in a school in the ocean. I’m not a good judge here,” Astrid said.

  “Okay.” I heaved a sigh of relief. “Susu recognized me too, but she claims she can see through all disguises.”

  “This is true,” Astrid agreed. “Wanna tell me why you’re sporting a new face and body?”

  “Satan,” I replied with a grin.

  Astrid’s eyes grew wide and her mouth dropped open. “Dear cousin Jesus, tell me you didn’t take advice from Uncle Fucker.”

  “I most certainly did,” I shot back. “However, the particulars are of my own doing.”

  “Care to elaborate?”

  “Just sit back and enjoy the show,” I suggested. “It will be starting momentarily.”

  “They’re coming!” Susu squealed as she darted into my suite.”

  Susu was sporting a new look as well. Of course, my Guardian Angel had not been pleased that she had to change her perfection as she referred to it. She’d thrown a hissy fit that would have made a toddler proud. But once informed that I would be looking for a new Guardian Angel if she didn’t get with the program, Susu quickly complied.

  “And they’re aware that we’re different?” I asked as I took in a deep breath. What I was about to do was gas-inducing, but it was also freakin’ brilliant.

  “They are.” Susu nodded enthusiastically and continued to flit about the room. “You’re sure about this?”

  “Nope, but I’m going with it,” I said as I glanced down at my jeans, blue Converse and Michael Jackson concert t-shirt. It wasn’t Prada at all. Prada was out for the time being. Jeans and tennis shoes were in. Honestly, it felt good. It was a skin I enjoyed being in. Plus, I’d kept my same butt. I had a really nice butt.

  “This is fucking crazy,” The Shelia said, breezing into the room looking nothing like her usual self. “Have you truly thought this plan through?”

  “I have,” I told her. “And this is what we’re going to do.”

  She was quiet for a moment and then bowed her head to me in deference. Her blonde hair was now black and she was working a sexy goth look. It was all kinds of awesome and nothing like her norm. If I didn’t know it was her, I wouldn’t recognize her at all.

  “You can’t bow to me. It will give me away,” I told her.

  She paused and nodded. “Second nature,” The Shelia said with a small smile. “Won’t happen again.”

  “Thank you,” I replied, feeling nervous. There were about a million things that could go wrong with the plan, but there were potentially a million things that could go right.

  “Nice boots,” Astrid said to The Shelia with a raised brow.

  The Shelia grinned and admired the fabulous black Prada stiletto boots she was wearing. “Told you I was going to borrow these when the time was right,” she shot back at Astrid with a wink.

  “They look better on you anyway,” Astrid replied. “Keep them.”

  “I was planning on it,” The Shelia told her with a laugh. “And thank you.”

  “My pleasure.”

  “Well, I’ll be an overblown guppy anus! Look at you, Hairy Spleen,” Martha shouted as she and Jane entered the room followed by their mate Lizard who was still crying.

  I adored Lizard. I questioned his taste in women, but he was loyal and he was good—just a little rusty around the edges. The half-Fairy half-Demon was also seriously deadly. He wasn’t the best looking guy which was odd since both of his species were ridiculously handsome people, but I thought he was cute in a very left of center way. Lizard was a bit scaly and his eyes were a tad too close together, but his smile was sweet as long as his fangs were retracted. He wore his usual ill-fitted black suit, navy beret and bright green high tops. I was slightly surprised his gal pals hadn’t started making him wear sequins.

  “What in the creamy…” Jane began only to be thrown to the floor by a shock from her collar. As she convulsed like a fish out of water, everyone stepped around her and took a seat in the living room.

  “Jane. If you say the words, you’ll get shocked,” I reminded the idiot, yanking her up off the floor and tossing her onto the couch next to Martha and Lizard.

  “It’s as mother fuckin’ hard as a weasel-headed fart-nugget,” Jane grumbled as she rubbed her neck. “I just keep thinkin’ about biscuits.”

  And down she went again like a cement block in the Hudson River with a body attached to it while all the Fairies in the room winced in pain at the word. That was going to be my ace in the hole. I could feel it in my bones.

  “That’s a good one,” Tiara said still gagging from the mention of biscuits. “I’m calling it.”

  “Calling what?” Astrid asked as she watched Jane contort on the floor.

  “The fart-nugget thing. I call it.”

  “You can have it,” I said with an eye roll and a small shudder. “So here’s the deal. Susu, The Shelia, Martha, and Jane are coming with me to Zanthia under false pretenses.”

  “Wait! What?” Martha yelled and began to twerk she was so excited. “We’re going on the road to Zanthia?”

  “We are,” I said, waving my hand and rendering her obscene hips still. “Your band, which will choose a new name, is going on tour.”

  Astrid’s gasp of surprise made me grin. She’d only heard part of it. What was coming next was all kinds of brilliantly wrong.

  “Well, shit,” Jane—who clearly hadn’t learned her lesson yet—griped. “I was kind of fond of Creamy Nutritious Moist Biscuit Slacks.”

  The zap from shock collar was loud and the spasms were epic. However, the wailing shrieks from all the Fairies in the room were horrifying.

  “PLEASE. Let me eat them,” Susu screamed, turning agitated flips in the air. “PLEASE.”

  “Nope,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest and marveling that the words no longer affected me. Mind over matter and needing to have my shit together to save The Kev were very strong motivators. However, I was relieved it was still incapacitating to the others of my kind.

  “I can’t do it,” The Shelia choked out, now an unattractive green in the face. “I want to kill something.”

  “I seriously think we should have made the duct tape permanent,” Tiara said, rolling around the floor in pain.

  “No can do,” I replied with a grin. “Trust me on this. As your Dairy Queen, I will not lead you astray.”

  “But you may lead us to the toilet,” The Shelia pointed out.

  “Yes.”

  “Great,” she muttered as she picked Tiara up off the floor and positioned both of them outside the bathroom door. “Fucking great.”

  Lizard was quick to follow. He loved his ladies, but the words were too much for him too.

  “Okaaay,” Astrid said, trying not to laugh but looking confused. “Sooo, the assmonkeys get shocked when they use certain words?”

  “Yes,” I confirmed. “There seem to be a few words that Fairies have a difficult time with.”

  “Makes us want to kill shit,” Tiara volunteered.

  “And puke,” Lizard gagged out.

  “So what’d you do? Program the words into the shock collar?” Astrid inquired as a naughty smile pulled at her lips.

  “Yep,” I said, already knowing where the conversation was going.

  “And can we program in a few more?” she asked, rubbing her hands together with glee.

  Martha and Jane eyed Astrid suspiciously.

  “I believe that can be done,” I confirmed.

  “So what are you gonna do, Boobs McClanahan?” Jane grunted.

  “That one,” Astrid said.

  “Awww, come on Chesty McMilkbomb. You’re no fun,” Martha grumbled.

  “And that one,” Astrid added with a delighted laugh. “What else you got, asshats?”

  “Is that a trick question?” Martha asked Jane.
r />   “Not sure,” Jane answered. “Seems like Hooters LaBoobyland has her panties in a fucking wad.”

  “And that too,” Astrid said as I waved my hand and adjusted the collar. “Why in the Hell didn’t I think of that? It’s all kinds of motherhumpin’ brilliant.”

  “Necessity breeds ingenuity… or shock collars,” I told her with a giggle. “Plus, can’t have my Fairies hurling everywhere.”

  “Point,” Susu shouted.

  “So back to the plan,” I said, getting excited. Of course, there were holes in the plan since I didn’t know all that much about Zanthia, but I was traveling with four women who had been there. What could go wrong?

  Everything.

  However, I was not going to give any energy to that scenario. I was going to win. I had no choice. The Kev was my world. I had no intention of wiping Zanthia off the map of the Universe, but I would if I had to. It would probably mean we’d have to take the Trolls on, but I’d fought Trolls before. I would fight a million of them for The Kev’s life.

  “I am now the band’s manager. My name is Diana. Dirty Diana.”

  “Holy shit, Michael Jackson would be so proud,” Astrid said, laughing. “I wanna come.”

  “You can’t, dude. You’re part Demon and will lose your memory,” I told her, wishing with everything I had that wasn’t the case. I could totally use my BFF’s expertise.

  “I know,” Astrid pouted. “But this is going to be epic.”

  “Or apocalyptic,” The Sheila muttered.

  Ignoring The Shelia’s bad attitude, I kept going. “The Sheila? You will be the publicist since you know the venues in Zanthia.”

  “There’s only one,” she said.

  “Okay. Great. Then you won’t have to work too hard,” I replied with an eye roll.

  “What am I?” Susu screamed, totally into it.

  At least my deranged Guardian Angel was going with the flow.

  “Susu, you will be the makeup artist.”

  “LOVE IT,” she shrieked. “I will be fabulous.”

  “And our names?” The Shelia asked with a lopsided grin so reminiscent of The Kev’s I almost started to cry.

  “Well…” I said, pulling my shit back together. “You can pick.”