Fashionably Fooled Page 7

  “Where will you be, my liege?” Lizard asked.

  “I’m taking a short detour to Nirvana. I haven’t seen my mother in a while,” I said frowning.

  “Got the beans-n-franks,” Mammy shouted from the top of the stairs. “Everybody take yer pants off. I’m gonna do a little trim for ya, on the house. Any friend of Murry’s is a friend of mine—not that he’s ever had friends before.”

  “Cover yer nuts, men,” Murry said wild-eyed.

  “Murry, turn up the news!” Mammy yelled as she slowly came down the stairs. “Dr. Ruth was kidnapped. It’s just awful. I love that sex-crazed little German gal. She’s a hoot. I’d fry her nose hair for free any day of the week.”

  “Oh no! Some terrible person kidnapped Dr. Ruth?” Murry yelled back, horrified. “I love Dr. Ruth.”

  “Who in the fuck is Dr. Ruth?” I whispered to Lizard.

  “Tiny little sex and marital therapist of German descent,” Lizard informed me. “A real firecracker and very hot. Almost as hot as Carol Channing, Martha and Jane.”

  And the day just kept getting stranger.

  “Murry, I’m in a bit of a time crunch here. Would you mind skipping the beans-n-franks and the burning of the nads?” I questioned tersely.

  “Was that actually a question?” Murry inquired.

  “No,” I said with a chuckle. “It was the plan of action.” Maybe Murry wasn’t as stupid as I’d originally thought.

  “Hey Mammy, I’m gonna go to Hell with my buddies fer a bit. Ya wanna come?”

  Scratch that. Murry was an imbecile.

  “Wish I could,” Mammy wheezed out as she made it down to the basement with a steaming crock of beans-n-franks that I was sure Elle would love. “But I have bingo with the girls later.”

  Mammy was tinier than I’d originally thought. The old woman barely came to my hip. She was staring at me as if I’d grown another head. Taking no chances, I quickly covered my balls and glared right back.

  “Well, I’ll be gobsmacked,” she shrieked at a decibel that almost blew out my eardrum. “Yer Blade Inferno—highest-paid romance author in the world! Just saw yer movie—funniest damn thing I ever saw.”

  “It wasn’t a comedy,” I said flatly. I really needed to either read the book or watch the movie.

  “Whoops, my bad,” she cackled as golden smoke wafted out of her nose. “I’m real honored that you’ve come to have a trim. Never thought I’d have the chance to de-hair the nuts of a celebrity.”

  “Trust me, you won’t,” I assured her.

  “Just take them pants off, and I’ll have ya as clean as a whistle in a jiffy,” Mammy announced as she put the beans-n-franks on the bottom step.

  “What the fuck?” I hissed, as I glanced over at Lizard and Murry in alarm.

  “Umm… Mammy, Blade just had his balls waxed yesterday,” Murry said. “His nards are in fine shape right now.”

  I was torn between incinerating Murry and letting him hug me again.

  “Well, now that’s a damned shame,” Mammy said, shaking her head sadly. “Next time ya need a trim, I’m hoping you’ll come on back.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind,” I said, delighted I didn’t have to electrocute her.

  “Ya do that,” Mammy said. “Now, Murry, ya have a good time in Hell and mind yer manners. Ya want the beans-n-franks to go?”

  “Nope,” Murry said.

  “Yes,” I quickly corrected Murry. “My mate would enjoy them.”

  “Is she in need of a trim?” Mammy inquired as if that was a normal fucking question.

  “No. Never,” I replied, closing my eyes and wondering how in the Hell I was in a basement on Earth having this conversation with fools.

  “Alrighty then,” Mammy said as she blew a perfectly circular smoke ring from her nose and produced a snap lid for the beans-n-franks. “Ya can keep the crock. I got tons.”

  “Excellent,” I replied, taking the crock and handing it to Lizard.

  “Yer welcome,” Mammy said.

  “I didn’t say thank you,” I ground out as my fingers began to shoot black sparks.

  “Actually, you did just say thank you,” Lizard pointed out unhelpfully.

  “I most certainly did not. I never say thank you,” I snapped.

  “Said it twice in a row,” Murry said.

  “Did not.”

  “Did,” Mammy shot back with a wide grin on her wrinkled face.

  I paused and realized they were correct. That simply wouldn’t do.

  “Excuse me for a moment,” I said, crossing to the far side of the basement and blowing up the television with a flick of my fingers.

  “Daayum,” Mammy said in appreciation. “Yer awfully powerful for a romance author.”

  “He’s the Lord of Dark Shit,” Murry told his mother. “He’s got a mission for me, and we’re gonna get us a two-hundred-dollar gift card to the Red Lobster, a few extra wigs since there’s a fine chance I’ll be bald fer a while, and a lifelong season pass to the Monster Truck Rally.”

  Mammy’s eyes narrowed dangerously, and I quickly covered my jewels again. She was clearly far smarter than her son. The old Dragon was probably going to up the payment with something unacceptable like world domination.

  “It’s gonna cost ya a little more than that to have my Murry risk his life, Lord of Dark Crap,” Mammy announced, looking far scarier than she had only moments ago.

  What was it about mothers that was so terrifying?

  “And what more would you like?” I asked, letting my eyes glow red.

  Mammy didn’t even flinch. She was either brave or extremely blind.

  “We want everything Murry asked for and…”

  “And?” I questioned tersely.

  Mammy grinned. “I want a Ball Shop in Hell.”

  “A Ball Shop?” I asked, not following.

  “Yep,” Mammy said. “I’m gettin’ tired of the human plane. I’ve burnt down so many dang houses trying to keep my Murry hairless, I figure a little inferno or ten in Hell won’t make no difference.”

  She had a point—a horrifying one. Hell was full of fire… especially the Basement where the evilest of the evil resided. Maybe I could make this work. Mammy on the loose could terrify the masses.

  “Is location in Hell an issue?” I asked as I heard Lizard choke back a snort of laughter.

  “Nah, the more fire the better,” Mammy said.

  “We have a deal,” I said, knowing I would most likely regret it for the rest of my days. “You can set up shop as long as Murry comes through.”

  “I’ll make ya proud, Mammy,” Murry said as he hugged his mother and they commenced with sniffing each other for fifteen minutes.

  “Enough,” I snapped as there seemed to be no end in sight of the appalling Dragon ritual.

  “I’ll pack our bags, Murry,” Mammy said with one last sniff. “Ya do what the Lord of the Dark Crap says, boy.”

  “Will do!” Murry said, shoving some beef jerky into his pocket.

  “Are we done here?” I inquired.

  “I believe we are,” Lizard said with a smirk.

  In a blast of strong black magic, we escaped with our balls intact. Things were looking up.

  Chapter Six

  “You’re behaving like a shit, Lucifer,” Mother Nature snapped with a flounce of her red curls as she eyed me dispassionately. “Can you not see that I’m wearing a crown and a sash?”

  Nirvana gave me a headache. My mother gave me the desire to incinerate nations. All I’d said was hello, and she had already jumped up my outstanding ass.

  “Your point, mother? I’m the Devil. I’m supposed to be a shit,” I replied easily, giving her one of my most charming smiles.

  Mother Nature was unimpressed. Her eyes narrowed, and she adjusted the ornate and ridiculously large glittering disaster atop her head. “Do you like my crown?”

  “Is that a trick question?” I shot back.

  “No,” she said with an eye roll. “I already know it’s gorge
ous like I am. I simply enjoy when people agree with me.”

  My mother was very aware that she was one of the most exquisite people in existence. Of course, I was prettier, but stating that truth would be asking for trouble. Considering she was about to electrocute me for simply saying hello, I decided to lie.

  “Your tiara is very sparkly… and large. It makes your head look quite small,” I said, ready to dive for cover if necessary. “You look lovely.”

  “Thank you, sweetheart. I am gorgeous,” she agreed. “It’s wonderful of you to come and congratulate me on my win. I would have thought God would have come as well.”

  Shit. It was rare for me to beat my brother out in our mother’s good and supremely unstable graces. I was torn between pretending I knew what the Hell she was talking about or telling the truth. The truth was bullshit. Since I never won in contests with my pious brother, I’d do what I did best… lie.

  “Yes… well, congratulations on your win.”

  “You watched it on the interwebs?” she asked, prancing around the garden.

  “Of course,” I said, digging myself deeper into a hole that was likely filled with explosives.

  With each step she took, roses in hues of pink and orange burst from the ground, replacing where her foot had been. She danced around until the entire area looked like a floral shop on steroids. It was far too happy for my mood.

  “Mother, the flowers are giving me a migraine,” I said, waving my hand and turning the foliage to a sparkling black. So. Much. Better.

  “Ohhh,” she said, examining my magical handiwork with glee. “This is nice for an evening soiree. Although, it needs a little something extra, darling.”

  She wiggled her nose and a flock of teal and lavender parrots swarmed the area. Closing my eyes, I counted to ten, so I didn’t fry the flying shitters in the air. However, if I got crapped on even once, they were goners.

  “I only fell six times,” Mother Nature went on, babbling with delight. “And my excellent bosoms stayed in my outfit the entire time. I wore my monkey, Studly, as a boa and he helped keep my top in place with his teeth—very creative on my part. Your father was so proud.”

  I was certain my smile looked like a grimace. I still had no clue what she was speaking about. Staying silent was my best bet for leaving in one piece.

  Mother Nature tilted her head to the side as she examined me in my mute state. It was insanely unnerving. My mother was quiet for a long moment. A rainbow of glitter burst from her body and bathed the garden in peach sparkles. It also blinded a few of the flying crappers. They bashed into each other before falling to the ground with a thud. My mother didn’t even notice. She was far too focused on me.

  That did not bode well.

  I wasn’t sure if she was going to electrocute me for my obvious lie or if she was going to laugh. With her, one never knew.

  “You didn’t come to congratulate me,” she pouted.

  With a put-upon sigh, I shrugged and grinned. “No, I did not. I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about, and I think that might be a good thing.”

  My mother’s laugh rang out and echoed through Nirvana. The trees and bushes blossomed in response. It was hive-inducing.

  “I won the pole dancing competition in Belize!” she squealed.

  “You have got to be kidding me,” I choked out on a laugh, shocked to the core.

  She was a dismal pole dancer. I knew this firsthand since she insisted on pole dancing at all family gatherings. The only thing she did worse than pole dancing was cook. My mother had invented food poisoning.

  “My win surprises you?” she asked in a tone that meant something was about to go up in flames.

  Good thing I loved fire.

  “Were you the only contestant?” I questioned, unable to grasp how my mother had won.

  “Not exactly,” she replied, looking a bit guilty.

  Finally, the conversation was interesting.

  “Mother, did you cheat?” I inquired with a grin.

  “I might have prepared pre-show cupcakes for the other contestants,” she admitted with a giggle.

  “You poisoned all of your competition?” I was impressed.

  With a dismissive wave of her hand, she continued to giggle. “They’ll be fine. All the gals are Immortal. After they finish throwing up, they’ll be as good as new.”

  “God won’t like this,” I pointed out, loving the fact I had a little something on our mother.

  “Don’t you dare tell him, or I’ll spend a month in Hell landscaping your property,” she threatened. “And I mean it.”

  Damnit, the whack job always won.

  “Fine, I won’t,” I said, wondering how to broach the subject of her trying to destroy my womb eviction day without causing a natural disaster.

  My mother adored being needed, and there was a far-flung possibility that she might have a little advice as to handling Elle’s visit from Aunt Flow. I’d play on her weaknesses then suss out the information I’d actually come for. It would be painful, but no pain, no gain.

  “Sooo, Elle tried to decapitate me,” I informed her casually. “She also stabbed me with a fork.”

  “Interesting,” she said as she snapped her fingers and produced two overstuffed, garish floral chairs that made me wince in pain. “Did you deserve it?”

  “Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?” I demanded as I straddled the arm of the chair that was meant for me. It was too emasculating to actually sit in it.

  “I am on your side, darling,” she assured me. “But you’re an asshole.”

  This wasn’t going the way it was supposed to go. I was tempted to blow up part of Nirvana to calm myself, but my mother’s retaliation would be a nightmare. It had taken months to repair Hell the last time she’d visited.

  “Elle’s acting rather strange,” I said in my defense. Mentioning lady time to my mother was out of the question. I’d just work around it and only say the words if necessary. “She’s never been quite so violent before.”

  “Is she eating you out of Hell and home?” Mother Nature inquired as her eyes lit up, and she clasped her hands together with excitement. “Moody? Gaining a little weight?”

  My eyes widened, and I slowly nodded my head. My mother was insane but clearly intuitive. It was an incredible relief not to have to spell it out. Saying the word menstruation to the woman who’d evicted me from her womb would be mortifying.

  “How did you know?” I asked.

  “I could tell the last time I saw her. I had a vision,” my mother replied, still grinning like a fool. “I didn’t want to spoil the wonderful surprise and tell you.”

  Why she thought lady time was a wonderful surprise was a mystery. However, she also thought pole dancing and poisoning competitors was a good time. Making sense of my mother was fruitless.

  “How should I handle it?” I asked before I could stop myself.

  The shriek of joy that came from my mother’s mouth sent all of Nirvana into blossom overload. I was literally tied to the fucking chair by flowering vines.

  “You’ve come to your mommy for advice? You want my opinion?” she squealed.

  “Not anymore,” I mumbled as I snapped my fingers and killed the vines dead.

  “Oh, pish,” she said with a happy sigh. “You just need to be there for Elle every step of the way. Fulfill her every wish and every desire.”

  “Are you fucking serious?” I questioned.

  She zapped me before I could duck.

  “I should wash your mouth out with soap. It’s your fault she’s like this, Lucifer,” my mother snapped. “It’s the very least you can do. Trust me, it could be far worse than getting stabbed or decapitated.”

  “It could?” I whispered in appalled shock as I slapped at my Armani suit to put out the fire. I had no clue how Elle’s lady time was my fault, but there was no way in Hell I was going to ask. Being zapped again didn’t appeal.

  Mother Nature nodded and leaned in. “When it was my time, I repeat
edly tried to remove your father’s pride and joy with a dull butter knife. His outstanding package was in danger for quite a while.”

  This was far worse than anyone had led me to believe.

  “How long did it last?” I asked. Aunt Flow seemed to visit human women for a week. However, Elle was a Siren and the Keeper of Fate. Who knew how long the curse could hang around?

  “About nine months,” my mother informed me as I felt my head swim and my vision blur. “But with Elle being a Siren, it could last a week or a year. I have no clue. Would you like me to discuss it with her mother?”

  “Yes,” I choked out, very sorry that I’d brought any of this up. Sometimes, it was best to be left in blissful darkness. “Can you let me know what she says?”

  “Will you answer your cell phone when I call?” my mother asked with her perfectly plucked brow raised high.

  Crap, I’d have to reprogram my phone to accept calls from the insane nutjob. I was quite sure she’d abuse the privilege tremendously. So be it. There was a price to be paid for everything. If picking up my mother’s calls would keep my dick from injury due to a dull butter knife, I would play. Well, at least until I had the information I needed.

  “Yes,” I said through clenched teeth.

  “Excellent,” Mother Nature said, patting my head. “Are the girls excited?”

  What the Hell? Was my mother referring to my mate’s breasts?

  “Which girls?” It was one thing to discuss the lady time. It was another thing entirely to discuss my mate’s assets.

  “The Sins, you idiot—not Elle’s knockers. Your daughters,” my mother said, reminding me of a reality I wanted to forget most of the time. "Are they excited?"

  “Excited about what?” I asked, confused as I swatted at her hand. I was older than dirt. There was no good reason to treat me like a child.

  My mother rolled her eyes and slapped the back of my head. I preferred the pat.

  “Excited about Elle’s state,” she clarified.

  I was so damned confused. Did women celebrate each other’s lady time? It was absurd. I needed to steer the conversation back to the reason I’d come. There wasn’t much more I could take without electrocuting my mother… and that would not go over well.