Fashionably Fabulous: Book Eleven of The Hot Damned Series Read online

  “Umm… will do,” Astrid croaked out on a strangled whisper as her eyes grew wide.

  Hattie had no clue how bizarrely accurate her observations were. I was kind of stunned to silence as well. Clearly, I needed to get a grip on my glitter. It came with the Fairy territory and my supply seemed to have a mind of its own. Did she know what we were? Impossible. Immortals lived openly, yet totally in secret. Vampyres, Fairies, and Demons were the stuff of fairytales and nightmares.

  “You two be good girls. Don’t be gettin’ into any trouble. I can still give you a whoopin’. And come visit me more often, ya hear?” Hattie instructed with a belly laugh.

  “Yes ma’am,” I replied as Astrid was still mute.

  “Come on,” Astrid whispered. “We need to get out of here.”

  “Do I really have Fairy dust all over me?”

  “Yep. You always do now. You freakin’ shimmer, Glitter Girl. Let’s vamoose.”

  “But I didn’t eat your ice cream yet.”

  “Bring it. You heard Hattie. I need to eat,” she replied with a giggle. “And I’m going to. I just don’t think Hattie would survive watching how I eat. You feel me? I’m not in the mood for a whoopin’.”

  “Fine point. Well made,” I replied, grabbing the frozen treat and my Chanel bag.

  “Where are we going?” I asked as Astrid quickly kissed Hattie goodbye and shoved me out of the door.

  “I don’t know. What were your plans?”

  “I’m kinda pretending I’m human for the afternoon.”

  Astrid was silent—rare for my best friend. We stood on the cracked sidewalk and stared at each other. Letting a quiet or intense moment live itself out wasn’t exactly my forte. No reason to change bad habits today.

  “Look dude, I’m fully aware we’re not even remotely human anymore. I mean, you’re dead and I can morph into a freakin’ Mack truck-sized monster,” I told her as I shoved the black raspberry chip ice cream into my mouth, hoping it would stop me from saying something even more embarrassing.

  “Albeit a shiny, kinda pretty one with huge honking teeth,” Astrid pointed out.

  “Thank you. I think…” I said with an eye roll and then pressed the bridge of my nose in agony as the brain freeze hit. “Mother freakin’ humper on a bender, being immortal doesn’t preclude you from getting ice cream headaches.”

  “Dude, I would do anything for a fucking ice cream headache,” Astrid said wistfully.

  “Sorry. I shouldn’t complain, but trust me, they still suck. And just so you know, I’m fully aware that the human train left the station a few years ago,” I added quickly so she didn’t think I’d completely lost my mind. I was pretty sure I wasn’t operating on all cylinders, but I knew I wasn’t normal anymore. My skin sparkled, for the love of everything bizarre.

  “I’d go so far as to say we got off in Crazytown and bought fucking property,” Astrid said. “Not to mention, you eat bad guys.”

  “That is seriously uncalled for,” I griped as I punched her in the arm. “The eating bad guys thing happened once. If I’m remembering correctly—and I am—I believe I saved your sorry undead ass.”

  “This is true. However, I’d lay some money down that eating Demons doesn’t give you brain freeze,” she said with a wide grin.

  “Silver linings are everywhere,” I said sarcastically and punched her arm again.

  “My bad,” Astrid replied with a laugh, rubbing her shoulder.

  My childhood bestie had Vampyre strength which was nothing to scoff at. However, I wasn’t lacking in the power department. My kind were known as the fiercest warriors in the immortal world. Only problem was, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be my kind. Not that I had a choice, but as the time drew nearer for me to go, my mind was a tsunami of fear and doubt.

  Shitshitshit. I was just going to focus on the here and now.

  “Look, the eating bad guys debacle is something I try very hard not to dwell on. Ever,” I informed Astrid, letting my chin drop to my chest and trying not to laugh. It wasn’t funny at all. Well, it was kind of gross funny. “They tasted awful.”

  “They were evil Demons. Of course they tasted like butt.”

  “Oh my Hell, I didn’t say butt,” I corrected her on a slight gag. “Thankfully I don’t know what butt tastes like.”

  “Neither do I,” Astrid said. “But they smelled like butt, so it stands to reason they would taste like ass.”

  “Speaking of ingesting bad dudes, I met Susu.”

  “And?” Astrid’s grin grew wider.

  “And she’s right out of her tiny mind,” I told her with an eye roll. “Not to mention her ego is the size of Texas.”

  “Word to the wise,” Astrid said with a laugh. “Do not let her shrink you to her size under any circumstances. Hurts like a bitch when you have to go back to normal.”

  That gave me pause. “Do I want to hear this story?”

  “Nope. Just heed my warning.”

  “Will do.”

  Again with the silence. Again with my need to fill it.

  “I want to forget about everything for a little while even if it’s just pretend. Be human with me for one day.” My request came out in a single burst of breath. The simple fact I’d spoken it aloud surprised me. It also surprised Astrid.

  My beautiful, profane, wildly powerful best friend since we were four simply stared at me thoughtfully for a long moment. Maybe she was past understanding what I was asking for. Her life was settled. Or as settled as a life could be as a Vampyre Princess who was one of the True Immortals.

  I, on the other hand, was not settled. Nope, I was slated to become something I secretly had no desire to be. However, fate had a much different opinion on my immediate future.

  “Deal,” Astrid said with a grin, much to my delight. “Wanna go to Louisville and shop?”

  “Too far.”

  “Umm… not if we transport,” she pointed out.

  “Humans can’t transport,” I reminded her. “Humans drive.”

  “Motherfucker in shorts,” Astrid said with an eye roll. “I haven’t driven in a few years. Have you?”

  “Nope, but it’s gotta be like riding a bike. And I want to go to Target like we did in the old days.”

  Astrid squinted at me and shook her head. “Ooookay, Target it is. You have a car?”

  “No, but since we haven’t started being human yet I could snap my fingers and procure one for us,” I replied with a sly grin.

  “Steal one?”

  “Borrow one. We’ll return it,” I corrected her. “I have morals.”

  “Right. Of course you do.” Astrid rolled her eyes and grabbed my hand. “Ethan has a shit load of cars in a garage at the Cressida House. We can borrow one of those.”

  “Dude, those are seriously expensive cars. Will he care?” I asked with a laugh.

  “He won’t even know.”

  * * *

  “So much for Ethan not figuring out we borrowed one of his cars.” Astrid laughed and groaned at the same time. “Thank Cousin Jesus, The Kev is still in Hell meeting with Uncle Fucker. He would not be pleased right now.”

  Astrid’s family tree was mind blowing. I still couldn’t believe she could get away with calling Satan, Uncle Fucker. Her Cousin Jesus was one of the people in her family I adored. As to the reason the love of my immortal life was in Hell having a get together with Satan was anyone’s guess. The Kev wouldn’t tell me why. Just said he had to go to Hell before we went back to Zanthia. I didn’t like it, but I trusted him.

  “What are you talking about?” I asked, glancing over at Astrid. “No one knows we stole Ethan’s car.”

  “Borrowed,” Astrid corrected me.

  “Right. My bad.”

  “Dude?”

  “Yeah?”

  “We’ve got a cop on our ass,” Astrid said.

  Now the groaning made sense. Shitshitshit. For a moment I experienced that sick feeling in my gut that I got in high school when I’d gotten pulled over for rolling throu
gh a stop sign. However, this gut feeling was far more intense.

  “Son of a big hairy butt,” I muttered as I eased the Jaguar onto the shoulder of the deserted country road and glanced back at the swirling red and blue lights on the police car that had seemed to appear out of nowhere. “How fast was I driving?”

  “No clue,” Astrid admitted, turning off the radio. “I was too busy holding my ears while you were butchering Can’t Stop ‘Til You Get Some.”

  “Now you’re being rude,” I snapped, feeling stressed. “It’s Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough. You should never blaspheme Michael Jackson. And I was not butchering it.”

  “Umm… we’ll have to agree to disagree on that one. However, in your reckless driving defense, I haven’t seen a speed limit sign in miles.”

  “Crap. I don’t have a license. I mean I have one, but I don’t have it. I don’t even know what the Hell I did with it,” I told her. “Do you?”

  “Know what you did with your license?”

  “Why would you know what I did with my license?” I was now completely confused.

  “That’s a fine freakin’ question. Why did you ask?”

  “No, I meant, do you have a license? And does the car have a registration? Might be kind of awkward to announce to the Vampyre Prince of the North American Dominion that his car got impounded while being borrowed.”

  Astrid closed her eyes and let her head fall back onto the expensive leather headrest. “If I have a license it’s in a storage box somewhere in the butthole of the Cressida House,” she said. “No clue if the car is registered since I don’t drive the fucker. Dude, being human for the afternoon was not your best idea.”

  “Tell me something I don’t know,” I muttered, looking in the side view mirror as the cop got out of his car. My sharp intake of breath was not missed by my BFF. “And game over.”

  “What game?” Astrid asked, sitting up ramrod straight.

  “The human game. It’s over.”

  “Because?” she pressed.

  “Because the cop that pulled us over is most definitely not human—at all.”

  Astrid’s head whipped around and her body began to glow. She wasn’t the only one. My body grew warm and a glittering silver and gold mist swirled through the car.

  “Fuck,” Astrid growled as her eyes went red. “What the Hell is that?”

  “It’s a Fairy.”

  “You sure? You haven’t really been around many of your own kind yet.”

  Nodding tersely, I gauged his strength by the aura surrounding him. The Fairy was insanely strong and furious, but also seemed terrified. Could that be right?

  “I’m sure it’s a Fairy. Not sure why I’m sure, but I am. I can feel it,” I told Astrid.

  What was he so afraid of?

  Hopefully me. And he should be. I was supposed to go on a fucking shopping spree at Target with my best friend in her mate’s pilfered Jaguar. Now? Now I was going to have to deal with an asshat who didn’t look like he was very fond of me—at all. However, Astrid was not going to get involved in my fight. Her safety was my biggest concern.

  “This is totally fucking with my chi,” I muttered, wishing The Kev was here. He would know what to do. Me? I was going to wing it.

  “I feel you, dude,” Astrid said, cracking her knuckles and preparing for a fight.

  “Can I ask you a serious question?”

  “Shoot.”

  “Do you think Ethan will be pissed when his car blows up?” I asked.

  “His car is going to blow up?”

  “Yes.”

  “When?”

  “Shortly.”

  “Interesting. Will I still be alive to tell—not that I can actually die from an explosion,” she said with a wide grin.

  “Yep. Not a scratch on you.” As a True Immortal, Astrid was almost impossible to kill. This relieved me greatly. The Fairy had clearly come for me and I was going to take care of it. I wasn’t even technically the freakin’ Queen yet and someone was already trying to kill me. This so did not bode well for relocating to Zanthia.

  “Then no. The answer is no. Ethan will not be pissed, and if he is, I’ll treat him to an evening of in-the-buff Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf, or possibly naked Twister. A car is just stuff. Expensive stuff, but all of those Vamps have more money than they know what to do with. Go for it, bestie.”

  Keeping my eyes glued to the advancing killer, I grabbed Astrid’s hand in mine. “That was way too much naked info, dude.”

  “Yep,” Astrid shot back with a laugh. “But reality can be harsh. You know, I think we could take him,” she whispered, watching the cop from the rearview mirror. “You’re a badass and I’m a seriously baaaadass.”

  The exterior of the Fairy was beautiful, but I could see beyond exteriors. His aura spoke in stark contrast to his outer shell. This particular Fairy had deadly written all over him.

  “Possibly, but then again maybe not. He’s angry and scared—a bad combo.”

  “How can you tell?”

  “The colors around him,” I told her. “Do not let go of my hand.”

  “Roger that. Is this going to be fun?” Astrid inquired with excitement.

  My laugh surprised me. I realized I was totally up for it. Being human was a thing of my past. I was not human and never would be again.

  Right now that was a very good thing.

  “You gonna kill him?”

  “Maybe,” I said, without a shred of emotion in my tone. “Depends on how much he wants to share with me and how badly he wants me dead. You ready?”

  “I was born freakin’ ready. Is there more than one?”

  “Nope,” I said without even thinking. “Dude, I know I’m right, but I have no clue how.”

  “Clearly being the Queen comes with some awesome extras,” Astrid replied.

  “Clearly,” I muttered wondering exactly how many extras I had. Shit was getting more real by the second. “Can you handle iron without it burning you?”

  “Yep.”

  “Good.” I snapped my fingers and a lassoed rope of enchanted shimmering iron appeared in Astrid’s lap. I couldn’t touch the stuff without burning the skin right off my body.

  “What else?” she asked as she grabbed the iron with her free hand.

  “Can you put a protection bubble around us?”

  Astrid’s body went rigid for a brief second and gorgeous black glitter covered her arms and chest. I felt her magic surround us. My BFF was a fabulous freak of nature, but then again I was too.

  “Done. You wanna tell me what you’re gonna do?” she asked, giving me a look.

  “You sure you wanna know?” I shot back with a small smile pulling at my lips.

  “Forewarned is forearmed. Or at least it will give me something to freak out about.” Astrid winked and grinned. “Lay it out, Fairy Queen.”

  “I’m going by Dairy Queen, Princess.”

  “Nice.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Plan,” Astrid reminded me. “We have a pissed off Fairy jackoff headed this way.”

  “Right. I’m going to blow both cars sky high on three to distract the asshat. Thank your Uncle God that this isn’t a well-traveled road. I’ll render the protection bubble invisible and move it behind him. On my word let the bubble go. I’ll hold him down and you’ll tie the son of a bitch up in the iron. Then I’ll have a little chat with the nice policeman.”

  “Duuuuude, you’ve been holding out on me. What other cool shit can you do?”

  “You have no idea,” I mumbled with a shake of my head and a shudder. “He’s coming. On three. One. Two. Three.”

  And that’s when the fiery shitshow began.

  Chapter Three

  “You did what?” Ethan shouted as his eyes narrowed to slits.

  We were so busted.

  “Well, we…” Astrid began.

  “Nope. I’ve got this,” I said in a no-nonsense tone, stepping in front of my best friend. I was the freakin’ Dair
y Queen… I mean… Fairy Queen. Shit, I was going to end up calling myself that in public if I wasn’t careful. I was very aware that Ethan was Astrid’s mate, along with being the Vampyre Prince of the North American Dominion, but I was about to take over ruling a bunch of bloodthirsty freaks who wanted me dead in Carnival Land. I could totally handle this.

  I hoped…

  Glancing around the room, I held my head high even though my stomach felt queasy. Show no fucking fear… at least on the outside. Being in the room with so much power made me realize I wasn’t cut out to be anyone’s Queen. When I was with The Kev, I felt like anything was possible. Alone? Not so much.

  All of a sudden Ethan’s massive and ornate office seemed tiny and claustrophobic. The Kev’s sister, The Shelia, was present along with Astrid’s half-sister, Tiara. Susu darted around the room like she’d eaten a vat of speed. The Sheila was a full Fairy. Tiara was an anomaly—half-Fairy and half-Demon. She was also a Vamp. I still wasn’t exactly sure how that had happened, but suffice it to say she was a force to be reckoned with. While I liked The Shelia and Tiara tremendously, I wasn’t in the mood for them to hear about my disaster of a day. They were thousands of years old—or at least The Sheila was.

  I was supposed to be their damned Fairy Queen and I felt like a teenager who’d gotten busted by her dad. I expected to get grounded any second.

  Whatever.

  My main concern was that Astrid didn’t end up in the doghouse over any of this shit.

  “First off, sorry about the car,” I told a seething Ethan. “I’ll get you another one. I promise. It was all my idea.”

  “Umm… no. It was my idea,” Astrid pointed out coming to my defense as usual.

  “Being human for the day was my idea,” I insisted, giving Astrid the shut up eyeball. “I’m the one who said we had to drive. Therefore, I take full responsibility. You feel me?”